Reading back on my posts, I still see my false sense of hope. I’m confused as to why two men who aren’t really interested in me aren't replying to my text messages.

Why does this hope screw me over? If I never had this sense of hope I would never have survived my adolescence, I would never have stopped smoking pot, I would never have dreamed to have a job I love, I wouldn't even believe it’s possible to have a normal relationship one day... So this hope helps me, and saves me. But it’s also the thing that stops me seeing the reality in other people. So maybe all I can do is save my hope for myself and take others as they are, with a bucket of salt just to be sure.

Whilst in the bathroom I began to ponder (I do my best pondering in the bathroom), “Did I actually want a boyfriend”... what do I really want? Why am I going on this quest? Am I a success junkie, a life perfectionist? Do I just want to be able to say that through all the mudslinging of life I got the job of my dreams and eventually figured out how to love and be loved in a healthy way... So many of my self help guru’s (books) propose that often what we truly want is not what we say we want. I think they’re right because I don’t think I want a boyfriend, I just like the attention and playfulness... however those same actions throw me off kilter in my life and make me feel like I need a day alone to get myself back on balance.

Maybe it’s intimacy that I want, someone to truly know me... I just read a perfect paragraph about this very thing...

“This intimacy thing is so elusive, so divinely inviting, but it seems to recede as I approach. I wonder what it means to really know someone. I think it means you can let them see all of you – even the embarrassing bits you've never shown anyone else. And when they've seen all those scary, messy and just wrong parts they still accept you, even like you.” (Walker. L., Sex, Lies & Bonsai, p.158)

Is that why I’m doing all of this, because I want someone to know me...? My bestie knows me, most of me. I feel like maybe if you grabbed all of my friends together and they shared everything about me with each other you could paint a picture of me... but I don’t think it would look like a real x-ray of me. There are secrets and yearnings I have that I don’t tell people. They make me feel safe because I can’t be judged by them if no one knows them. Like this, my writing, I love it more than I could explain to anyone. It’s mine, my treasure. I like being this girl, the creative girl that isn't scared to transcribe the slightly mental record that plays internally.

Could it be anymore perfect; “Haim” are playing on my iphone right now “Go Slow”. Its music that sounds like what I feel like... Deep, earthy, old school but unrecognisably new, creative, beautiful in a quirky way, deep, funny.

Writing is self love to me. Maybe I will be able to write my way to self love.

Again the ponder does wander, into my mind again... why am I doing this? Do I want a boyfriend, do I want a long term relationship just because I’ve never had one, do I want a distraction from myself, do I really want to face myself, am I ready to be intimate with myself to then be intimate with another?

I’m going to hide my heart in a cabin in the woods

I saw M r G on the weekend. We had such a fun day together at his friend’s party. I felt like I was well behaved, there was one point where a cute football player was chatting to me and I think it irked him, but it was a blip on a rather large radar/day. I told him of my timeout from men, he seemed to think it wouldn't last and that it was slightly ridiculous. Fair enough, I’m sure plenty of people will think it’s a little mental.

Mr J sent me a link to a video he created. He wants to make another one together, where I show him all the secret special spots of Sydney. I agreed. Same thing with Mr G... I don’t know whether my phone isn't working or perhaps they feel my shut off vibe, but there are questions left unanswered. Meaningless questions, but it’s the pattern of it all.

I often think it’s going to be someone amazing that I end up with. I sometimes look in the mirror and think someone would be pretty lucky to watch me get out of the shower. I think I have more self-esteem than I first implied. But I still pick the wrong people.

No matter which way I frame it I've still been emotionally connected to men who weren't connected to me. It just makes me feel flat; bursts of excitement and potential followed by pain, confusion and eventually trudges of self discovery due to heart break. I know I've learnt a lot about myself, I've grown like I could never have imagined... but my heart is weary. I am weary. Instead of climbing a mountain that isn't mine, I’m ready to let go and see where I fumble down to.

Maybe there is a secret forest where I can rest, hide my heart in a warm cabin and fill it up with goodness.

It's like a sledgehammer to the brain...

I don’t even know what to say to myself, but I need to remember this moment and make a change once and for all because I can’t keep putting myself in these situations. I take full responsibility. 

Mr J busted my boundaries before and didn’t make an effort to chase me or fix it, because he wasn’t that interested. I instigated this whole “sexual/casual” thing that has happened the last few weeks, made up a whole love story in my head. Knowing deep down that he wasn’t the guy for me, ALSO knowing that I didn’t really want to be with anyone! BUT... the slightest bit of interest from him... (Simply him texting back) made me think that I liked him and wanted his attention, love and babies for fuck sake.

And then there is Mr G, I don’t even want to kiss him, he doesn’t even like me like that anyway but I kiss him back because I’m scared of losing him as a friend, and then losing someone to hang out with. Not much of a friendship if I’m guilt pashing him is it!

It scares me how much I am able to bullshit to myself, making up huge scenarios and summoning up feelings and stories about what could or might happen with these guys. I know full well that they aren’t the ones for me; I know full well that I’m not ready to be with anyone. I’ve got to learn to be with myself, I’ve got to learn to entertain myself and treat myself how I expect to be treated.

I don’t make time for myself, I choose to hang out with friends rather than be alone, I exhaust myself, and I chastise myself (like right now)... HOW can I expect anyone else to treat me different!!! I set the example.

It’s time to listen up sweet cheeks...

MR J ACCEPTED YOUR INVITATIONS BUT HE DID NOT CHOOSE YOU... AND YOU IGNORED YOUR FEELINGS AND ONLY CHOOSE HIM OUT OF BOREDOM.

IT’S THE SAME WITH MR G, HE JUST SAYS YES TO YOUR INVITATIONS. HE'S A GREAT PERSON TO HANG OUT WITH BUT YOU ONLY WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH HIM...SO STOP KISSING HIM.

AND NOW THE PITY PARTY...

 

HOW EMBARRASSING....I MAKE OTHER PEOPLE SO IMPORTANT IN MY WORLD, RATHER THAN PAYING ATTENTION TO MYSELF. 

SOMETIMES I PICTURE IT, I’M LIKE A BABUSHKA DOLL. THERE’S A LITTLE ME ON THE INSIDE BUT I JUST CLOSE MY EYES AND EARS EVERY TIME SHE SAYS OR DOES ANYTHING, IGNORING WHATS REALLY INSIDE OF ME FOR WHAT I THINK SHOULD BE.

WELL, HERE IS MY PROPOSED SOLUTION...

6 MONTHS OF DATING MYSELF

I WILL NOT ACCEPT PHONE NUMBERS OR DATES, OR GIVE MY NUMBER OUT OR ASK ANY MAN OUT ON A DATE. FROM RIGHT NOW, THIS SECOND UNTIL THE END OF JULY 2013 I AM ENGAGED, TO MYSELF. I CHOOSE ME. 

I feel like I have to out myself first, cleanse myself of all the stupid, pathetic, desperate things I’ve ever done just so that I don’t repeat it. Publicly humiliate myself so that my lesson is tattooed upon society and I don’t step in the same dog shit for the 8 millionth time!

First one that pops to mind is two weeks ago on a Friday, I had no plans. I texted around trying to find something to do... all seemed lost. So I drank half a bottle of red and went to bed at 11Pm. Mr J texted at 3am, I let him come over. Spoilt him almost because I was so DESPERATE! Shame on me!

Please note this is the same man I ended dating because I realised that he only wanted sex.... only to come sashaying back thinking ah yep, he must like me now. IDIOT!