Sunday, January 27, 2013

I’m going to hide my heart in a cabin in the woods

I saw M r G on the weekend. We had such a fun day together at his friend’s party. I felt like I was well behaved, there was one point where a cute football player was chatting to me and I think it irked him, but it was a blip on a rather large radar/day. I told him of my timeout from men, he seemed to think it wouldn't last and that it was slightly ridiculous. Fair enough, I’m sure plenty of people will think it’s a little mental.

Mr J sent me a link to a video he created. He wants to make another one together, where I show him all the secret special spots of Sydney. I agreed. Same thing with Mr G... I don’t know whether my phone isn't working or perhaps they feel my shut off vibe, but there are questions left unanswered. Meaningless questions, but it’s the pattern of it all.

I often think it’s going to be someone amazing that I end up with. I sometimes look in the mirror and think someone would be pretty lucky to watch me get out of the shower. I think I have more self-esteem than I first implied. But I still pick the wrong people.

No matter which way I frame it I've still been emotionally connected to men who weren't connected to me. It just makes me feel flat; bursts of excitement and potential followed by pain, confusion and eventually trudges of self discovery due to heart break. I know I've learnt a lot about myself, I've grown like I could never have imagined... but my heart is weary. I am weary. Instead of climbing a mountain that isn't mine, I’m ready to let go and see where I fumble down to.

Maybe there is a secret forest where I can rest, hide my heart in a warm cabin and fill it up with goodness.

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