It's like a sledgehammer to the brain...

I don’t even know what to say to myself, but I need to remember this moment and make a change once and for all because I can’t keep putting myself in these situations. I take full responsibility. 

Mr J busted my boundaries before and didn’t make an effort to chase me or fix it, because he wasn’t that interested. I instigated this whole “sexual/casual” thing that has happened the last few weeks, made up a whole love story in my head. Knowing deep down that he wasn’t the guy for me, ALSO knowing that I didn’t really want to be with anyone! BUT... the slightest bit of interest from him... (Simply him texting back) made me think that I liked him and wanted his attention, love and babies for fuck sake.

And then there is Mr G, I don’t even want to kiss him, he doesn’t even like me like that anyway but I kiss him back because I’m scared of losing him as a friend, and then losing someone to hang out with. Not much of a friendship if I’m guilt pashing him is it!

It scares me how much I am able to bullshit to myself, making up huge scenarios and summoning up feelings and stories about what could or might happen with these guys. I know full well that they aren’t the ones for me; I know full well that I’m not ready to be with anyone. I’ve got to learn to be with myself, I’ve got to learn to entertain myself and treat myself how I expect to be treated.

I don’t make time for myself, I choose to hang out with friends rather than be alone, I exhaust myself, and I chastise myself (like right now)... HOW can I expect anyone else to treat me different!!! I set the example.

It’s time to listen up sweet cheeks...

MR J ACCEPTED YOUR INVITATIONS BUT HE DID NOT CHOOSE YOU... AND YOU IGNORED YOUR FEELINGS AND ONLY CHOOSE HIM OUT OF BOREDOM.

IT’S THE SAME WITH MR G, HE JUST SAYS YES TO YOUR INVITATIONS. HE'S A GREAT PERSON TO HANG OUT WITH BUT YOU ONLY WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH HIM...SO STOP KISSING HIM.

AND NOW THE PITY PARTY...

 

HOW EMBARRASSING....I MAKE OTHER PEOPLE SO IMPORTANT IN MY WORLD, RATHER THAN PAYING ATTENTION TO MYSELF. 

SOMETIMES I PICTURE IT, I’M LIKE A BABUSHKA DOLL. THERE’S A LITTLE ME ON THE INSIDE BUT I JUST CLOSE MY EYES AND EARS EVERY TIME SHE SAYS OR DOES ANYTHING, IGNORING WHATS REALLY INSIDE OF ME FOR WHAT I THINK SHOULD BE.

WELL, HERE IS MY PROPOSED SOLUTION...

6 MONTHS OF DATING MYSELF

I WILL NOT ACCEPT PHONE NUMBERS OR DATES, OR GIVE MY NUMBER OUT OR ASK ANY MAN OUT ON A DATE. FROM RIGHT NOW, THIS SECOND UNTIL THE END OF JULY 2013 I AM ENGAGED, TO MYSELF. I CHOOSE ME. 

I feel like I have to out myself first, cleanse myself of all the stupid, pathetic, desperate things I’ve ever done just so that I don’t repeat it. Publicly humiliate myself so that my lesson is tattooed upon society and I don’t step in the same dog shit for the 8 millionth time!

First one that pops to mind is two weeks ago on a Friday, I had no plans. I texted around trying to find something to do... all seemed lost. So I drank half a bottle of red and went to bed at 11Pm. Mr J texted at 3am, I let him come over. Spoilt him almost because I was so DESPERATE! Shame on me!

Please note this is the same man I ended dating because I realised that he only wanted sex.... only to come sashaying back thinking ah yep, he must like me now. IDIOT!